What was my first networking mistake? Early in my career I had heard about this thing called, “networking.” I wanted to be one of those people who knew people and knew how to use relationships to get things done. I had this idea that networking was some mysterious mix of secret deals and locker-room backslapping, with extra points if someone was smoking a cigar.
When I first started in consulting, I spent hours of my week writing out everything I would say on every phone call. I had never learned how to talk with people. My parents were farmers. My older brothers were farmers. My older sisters were housewives. No one I knew picked up the phone and called someone to do business.
But if I wanted to do what I saw other successful consultants doing, I had to learn how to network. I had to learn how to sell myself and my services. I had to develop business relationships. I was good at doing things like listening and organizing data. I was good at seeing patterns and creating structure, at observing people and understanding what they said, and creating solutions to their problems. But none of that involved building a relationship. What I didn’t understand was that if I wanted to do the things I loved and make a living at it, I also had to be good at building trust, and good at getting people to trust me to help them. How could I, the world’s biggest introvert, get people to like me enough to do business with me?
My first effort at real networking failed miserably. I was leading prospect research services for a fundraising firm. It required me to gather as much information as possible on potential donors from publicly available sources. Yes, this is a thing, and not as icky as it sounds. Nonprofits rely on this kind of information when preparing to ask for a major gift. And donors expect nonprofits to do their homework before asking for money.
I needed one more key piece of information, and someone I had worked with at a previous firm, could likely help me with that. I sat at my desk and looked at the phone, aware that this was the moment when I needed to network.
I had written everything I wanted to say on a legal pad and kept it in front of me as I made the call. I carefully and painstakingly practiced my script beforehand and thought of every eventuality. I had even written different versions of the script so that nothing would surprise me.
When I had imagined and planned for everything, including how nice I was going to be and how the person on the other end would respond, I picked up the phone. Except, I hadn’t thought of everything. At the end of the conversation, when I had thanked him for his time, I said, “I owe you lunch.” I thought that’s what “networking” was. When someone did something for me, I owed them something back.
“Why?” he asked.
Why? I couldn’t think of an answer. My mind raced: Because you did something for me? Because I bothered you in the middle of a workday? Because I mistakenly thought you would enjoy having lunch with me? I stuttered a goodbye and hung up the phone.
What had I missed? Did I need to rethink everything I thought I knew about networking?
Yes. Yes, I did. I mistakenly thought networking was about a transaction, as if people were a walking retail shelf that I could take something from and give them a token in return.
It has taken me more than 20 years to discover a better approach, through a lot of trial and error. I needed to learn that networking is about putting the other person in the center of the relationship, understanding their needs, and how I can add value to them without expecting anything in return. That is my secret weapon.
Networking is about building trust and trusting that what I give will return to me seven-fold. And I believe that most of what people think about networking is wrong. That’s why we sometimes hate the thought of it.
What’s the secret thing you know about networking that no one else knows? What’s your super double secret networking weapon?